It has been a while since my last post. I have taken some time to press in to our Creator, to seek His face, concerning personal matters. I do not know what the immediate future holds, but one thing I have is absolute shalom. And I have gratitude for that, as well as His many other blessings. These past few weeks have not been fun. But, in a sense, they have been more beneficial for me in so many ways, ways that others cannot fathom. Due to huge waves of misunderstanding, I have pursued only Him.
The nightly prayer we pray with the Shema is Tehillah [ps] 4, and the verse that always ‘shines’ out to me is, “Rigzu, v’al tekheta’u; imru vilvav’khem al mishkav’khem, v’domu; Selah.”
“Tremble, and do not sin; speak with your own hearts in your beds, and be silent. Selah” [sic: on the fly verse citation and xlation from memory] Selah is likely a musical ‘pause’, or an encouragement to meditate on the prior words. No one really knows for sure, but to me, that’s what the evidence suggests. In my morning prayers, I have great communion with Avinu in His Words through our Messiah Yeshua. During the daily standing prayers, I have a much needed repast from work, and a brief connection to Avinu through His Son again. But, at night, after the Shema and Tehillah 4 are offered as sacrifices of praise by my wife and me, the ‘deep’ meditation in Him begins, the ‘crying out’ of the soul. Every night, I ‘know’ that He hears me. Even though sometimes I don’t ‘feel’ like He did.
The last two weeks have been some of the tougher weeks of my life. But in the midst of it, I have had a deep, deep Shalom, in spite of the ‘storm’ of words and emotion that is going on. Two Fridays ago, I was so full of Shalom, that my unusually low resting heart rate of 50-52 was even lower: 40 beats per minute. In spite of being on a Keto diet, which can rob a person of sleep, I have slept deeper and more sound, apart from the 3 a.m. break required by most men at my age. And that break actually gives me a second opportunity to ‘commune’ with Him ‘with my heart’. And those times have been some of my most cherished times, especially these past couple of weeks.
On two separate nights, I asked specific things of Abba concerning His thoughts of me. Last night I did the same again. As someone who was raised in a bit of a dysfunctional home, negative ideas about oneself are sometimes difficult to overcome. When others perpetuate the negative criticisms, they can be even harder to overcome, tearing open old wounds again. Those have been near incessant for me this year, for some inexplicable reason. I am all too aware of my many flaws. But, I am also very aware that there are good things about me, most of which others seem not to see at all. But, the greatest and single most important ‘thing’ about me is my confession of Yeshua’s death FOR ME.
Each of those three nights that I prayed, asking Abba of His thoughts concerning me, I ‘saw’ in my mind the right wrist of Yeshua being laid on an old piece of gnarly wood, already bloody, with a huge nail poised on His wrist [In ancient Hebrew, the ‘hand’ included the wrist up to where the arm starts to widen out], and I all but heard the first blow of the hammer on the huge nail, and I saw the metal go into His flesh, in my mind. Last night’s episode was the more vivid, as it seems that it has gotten clearer every time.
Avinu, Our Father, ‘thought’ enough of me, in spite of all my many flaws people are so quick to point out, to send His Son ahead of time, almost 2,000 years before I existed, to take that nail, and two others, into His flesh, after having taken the stripes on His back already, for me.
Not very many people besides my wife ever truly seem to offer me compassion and grace; but, the ONE who NEVER fails to do so for me is our Creator, and His Son, Yeshua. Each of those nights, when I ‘saw’ His suffering right arm, I awoke the next morning, and in my morning reading I read a Tehillah that spoke specifically concerning the questions that I asked of Abba during my communing with Him by His Son’s Name the night before. Tehillah 31, then 40, and 129. Others, who have preconceptions in their hearts and judgments for me, if they read them, may read ‘into’ them what they ‘think’ I took from them; but Abba knows TRULY what He spoke to me by and through His Son.
I’m not a very confident person; but, I take absolute confidence in the truth of His Word, and for myself, especially in regard to the absolute fact of the death of His Son, Yeshua, for ME. Others don’t seem to want to give me that compassion, but He has, abundantly.
There are three sides to His Death: the Father’s, who had to forsake His Son for a season while sin was heaped upon Him; the Son’s, whose soul was laden with the sin-guilt of every human being, while His Father turned His back on Him, and the sins that were heaped on Him included all sinners. For me, it is the recognition of His deep, unfathomable love, that He would do such a thing ahead of time, knowing the very depth of our propensity to betray Him by sinning again, against G-d, and against our brothers.
Yeshua rose from the dead, and now His right arm, left arm, and both feet, and His side, bear the scars for eternity that have lifted ALL of my sin debt off of me. If there is NOTHING ELSE in this world for which to be grateful, there is that. And I will be able to look upon and touch those scars one day, much as did T’oma, and the eleven. I cannot wait to see in flesh the reminder of what I have seen in my nighttime prayers of late.
“For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor HaMalakhim, nor empires, nor armies, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else created, shall be able to separate me from the love of Elohim which is in Yeshua HaMashi’akh Adoneinu.”